and be changed by the Lamb." ~dave clayton, ethos church, 8-9-15
once again, i've been resisting this seat. this screen. this authenticity. i don't get why. i love writing. always have. and now that i am actually living a life that i can share with the world and not hide in the shadows i don't know why it's still scary to write. the only thing i can really come up with is writing means stopping. it means slowing down. it means thinking. it means unplugging from TV, work, my phone and plug into me. i haven't been very good at that in the last several years. i got really good at existing and not living. and learning to live again hasn't been easy. it hasn't felt safe. for 3 years i wasn't allowed to be me. i didn't allow it and he didn't either. i molded into what didn't cause fights and allowed myself to be trampled. fast forward to now. i am married. to an amazing man who wants me to be me all the time. and yet, i'm still hesitant. granted i know he's stuck with me now :), but i still don't want to disappoint him. and being the whole me all the time isn't the prettiest thing in the world. gah. my pride sucks.
i've realized lately that i am so, so prideful. i never ever thought of myself as a prideful person. i figured to be prideful, you actually had to like yourself and since i didn't then how could i be prideful. but, oh my, i so am. what i've learned is my pride is in my independence. in my "i do it myself" as my mother says i came into this world saying. i view asking for help as weakness. that's crap. asking for help is the strongest thing a person can do. the strongest thing. when i finally admitted i couldn't rid myself of my bulimia on my own, i was strong. i was strong enough to say "help." strong enough to say "save me." and He did to the extent that i let Him. it'll be three years on Monday, the 28th since i purged. i'm not sure i ever really believed i'd be writing those words. years. not hours or days or weeks. years. wow. that is something to celebrate and be "proud" of, but i'm not done. food still isn't just food. it's still my rebellion. it's still my dirty little secrets. now, of the dirty little secrets i've had over the years, food is relatively benign, but still. it's there. it's something i can turn to other than the hubs, this screen, Jesus. it's easy. it doesn't talk bad. i can't disappoint it. i know how it goes. i am comfortable with the process (although i hate it at the same time). it's a weird paradox. and one i don't want anymore. but i haven't been able to let go of my pride long enough to truly ask for help. to allow someone to stand in the gap for me when i want to numb out and want the easy fix. i have to though. i can't do this alone. clearly. my health and heart know that.
i guess by writing this, i'm putting it out there. i'm asking, though somewhat begrudgingly, for accountability. for permission to set my stupid pride aside and ask for help. and to ask Him to save me.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
she's making me write
sarah, my therapist that is, she's not wrong to do so. when i resist her recommendations, it's because i know it's always exactly what i need to do, but am terrified to. i am resisting this like crazy. she wants me to write about my eating disorder, "ed," and where the hubs fits into all of that. (i know i owe this blog a gigantic update on my life since october - main one - we moved up the wedding to april 24, 2015 and have been newlyweds for 96 days!). i don't want to be afraid of this screen. i know that every time i finally do sit down and just start typing, the words flow and my heart pours out. to accommodate my OCD-ness, sarah gave me a list of questions to think/write through before she, the hubs, and me get together to discuss. i've had the list since the end of may. talk about avoidance and my familiar shut down reaction. well, here it goes, finally.
things i want him to know about my history: it has been a part of me as long as i can remember. it's like a piece of me. it is a piece of me. it's a safety net. it's where i go when things spiral. it's what i know. i remember being told i was too fat to play with a skinny friend when i was 5 years old. i remember always wondering why i couldn't be skinny like the other girls. i remember feeling like i was less than them because i wasn't as thin. i remember my mom dieting and constantly being concerned about her weight. i remember my brother becoming anorexic when i was 10 -11 years old. i remember thinking why i couldn't be like him and why did i always have to have a snack after school. i remember the summer before 6th grade being told that i had to sit next to him in the back seat of a van on vacation to "even it out" because the other girl that was my age was thin and the other boy my brother's age average. so to "even it out," we had to have one skinny and one fat in each seat. at least that's what i heard. i always heard fat = not good enough. and i always knew i was fat.
i don't remember specifically the first time i purged. i know it started as a diet. i know it started in 8th grade. i would only purge when i ate what i deemed to be too much or a "bad" food. it was kinda all the rage among us girls. every so ofter one of us would say we were bulimic and get to spend certain classes in the guidance office talking about why and how we should change. to them it was a fad. to me it became a life. i remember my best friend and i making a pact to purge any time we ate something "bad" or off of our list of ok foods. she lasted a few weeks before she told me she didn't want to do that and hoped i wouldn't be mad at her. i think i told her i agreed. we shouldn't. only i lied. i figured out how to do it silently. which bathrooms to use. the amount of time i could wait before there wasn't enough to get back up and what i should or shouldn't eat so that it didn't hurt as much when it came back up. i remember my best friend telling my mom what i was doing. i remember another friend's mom nearly catching me after a breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes. i lied some more. nothing really came of my bff telling my mom. at least not right away. several months later, i had to go to a counselor. i'm not dumb. i knew what to to say and i said it and only went a handful of times. by now i'm in 9th grade. i'm a cheerleader. a straight-a honor student. i'm doing everything right. except i'm not eating and when i do, and can get away with it, i'm purging.
i fake it until my sophomore year of college when what i now can identify as anxiety exploded. i was actually binging and purging now. that started the year before. i remember sitting in my dorm room staring at all the photos on my wall and just wanting to rip them down. my heart was racing. my head was pounding. i called home in hysterics. i left school before my last mid-term. miss 4.0 was risking her perfect GPA but i couldn't function. there'd been talk on my floor (it was my sorority floor) of someone being bulimic and using the last bathroom and everyone was concerned about who it could be. my college best friend was president and i was on exec and terrified they'd all find out it was me. i went to the doctor when i got home. just my GP and he put me on an anti-depressant. no therapy, just a drug. i guess it helped. but a little over a year later i took myself off of them, because i was sick of not feeling anything. i decided i'd rather be sad than be nothing.
college finished, law school came and ed and i peacefully co-existed. he was there when i needed or wanted them and conveniently forgotten at other times. this pattern continued until 2009-2010 and the worst relationship of my life. when it blew up in flames, i blew up. binging and purging were all i wanted. all that calmed me down. all that made me concentrate on something other than where my life was and where it wasn't. things were still in waves, sometimes it'd be ok, because i was indulging in some other damaging behavior, but i always, always came back to ed. he was the safety net. i finally shattered one june night in 2011 and called my best friend. she talked to me and cried with me and gave me names of therapists. in august, i finally went to see one. we didn't click, but i kept at it until october and then stopped going. but my behaviors didn't stop. june of 2012, i'd had enough. my life wasn't mine anymore. it belonged to ed. he controlled everything i did. every decision made. everything. two days after my 30th birthday i met sarah at the eating disorder treatment center she worked at. i started treatment. september 28, 2012 was the last time i purged. it was not the last time i binged. as of today, the last time i binged was july 2nd. in my car. and i stopped at a random dumpster to get rid of the evidence. that's humiliating to write.
ways the hubs can support me/things i need to hear: these were listed as two separate things, but they seem related to me. i don't really know how to answer. i'm still not comfortable letting someone support me in this. i'm not ok with appearing weak. in an ideal world, i guess the best things he could do would be to support eating a nourishing diet, engage in activity with me, tell me i'm beautiful while ignoring my eye-roll, and wanting to be healthy himself. as much i don't want it, maybe a check in here and there to see how things are in that department wouldn't be the worst thing. i need to hear about healthy lifestyles and positive things. i need to hear him accepting and loving his own body. i need to not feel like my body is an object to him. i want to be called out if i comment negatively about another's weight or appearance, even when i do it to myself.
i'm going to try this writing thing again. and i'm going to be as transparent as i can be.
things i want him to know about my history: it has been a part of me as long as i can remember. it's like a piece of me. it is a piece of me. it's a safety net. it's where i go when things spiral. it's what i know. i remember being told i was too fat to play with a skinny friend when i was 5 years old. i remember always wondering why i couldn't be skinny like the other girls. i remember feeling like i was less than them because i wasn't as thin. i remember my mom dieting and constantly being concerned about her weight. i remember my brother becoming anorexic when i was 10 -11 years old. i remember thinking why i couldn't be like him and why did i always have to have a snack after school. i remember the summer before 6th grade being told that i had to sit next to him in the back seat of a van on vacation to "even it out" because the other girl that was my age was thin and the other boy my brother's age average. so to "even it out," we had to have one skinny and one fat in each seat. at least that's what i heard. i always heard fat = not good enough. and i always knew i was fat.
i don't remember specifically the first time i purged. i know it started as a diet. i know it started in 8th grade. i would only purge when i ate what i deemed to be too much or a "bad" food. it was kinda all the rage among us girls. every so ofter one of us would say we were bulimic and get to spend certain classes in the guidance office talking about why and how we should change. to them it was a fad. to me it became a life. i remember my best friend and i making a pact to purge any time we ate something "bad" or off of our list of ok foods. she lasted a few weeks before she told me she didn't want to do that and hoped i wouldn't be mad at her. i think i told her i agreed. we shouldn't. only i lied. i figured out how to do it silently. which bathrooms to use. the amount of time i could wait before there wasn't enough to get back up and what i should or shouldn't eat so that it didn't hurt as much when it came back up. i remember my best friend telling my mom what i was doing. i remember another friend's mom nearly catching me after a breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes. i lied some more. nothing really came of my bff telling my mom. at least not right away. several months later, i had to go to a counselor. i'm not dumb. i knew what to to say and i said it and only went a handful of times. by now i'm in 9th grade. i'm a cheerleader. a straight-a honor student. i'm doing everything right. except i'm not eating and when i do, and can get away with it, i'm purging.
i fake it until my sophomore year of college when what i now can identify as anxiety exploded. i was actually binging and purging now. that started the year before. i remember sitting in my dorm room staring at all the photos on my wall and just wanting to rip them down. my heart was racing. my head was pounding. i called home in hysterics. i left school before my last mid-term. miss 4.0 was risking her perfect GPA but i couldn't function. there'd been talk on my floor (it was my sorority floor) of someone being bulimic and using the last bathroom and everyone was concerned about who it could be. my college best friend was president and i was on exec and terrified they'd all find out it was me. i went to the doctor when i got home. just my GP and he put me on an anti-depressant. no therapy, just a drug. i guess it helped. but a little over a year later i took myself off of them, because i was sick of not feeling anything. i decided i'd rather be sad than be nothing.
college finished, law school came and ed and i peacefully co-existed. he was there when i needed or wanted them and conveniently forgotten at other times. this pattern continued until 2009-2010 and the worst relationship of my life. when it blew up in flames, i blew up. binging and purging were all i wanted. all that calmed me down. all that made me concentrate on something other than where my life was and where it wasn't. things were still in waves, sometimes it'd be ok, because i was indulging in some other damaging behavior, but i always, always came back to ed. he was the safety net. i finally shattered one june night in 2011 and called my best friend. she talked to me and cried with me and gave me names of therapists. in august, i finally went to see one. we didn't click, but i kept at it until october and then stopped going. but my behaviors didn't stop. june of 2012, i'd had enough. my life wasn't mine anymore. it belonged to ed. he controlled everything i did. every decision made. everything. two days after my 30th birthday i met sarah at the eating disorder treatment center she worked at. i started treatment. september 28, 2012 was the last time i purged. it was not the last time i binged. as of today, the last time i binged was july 2nd. in my car. and i stopped at a random dumpster to get rid of the evidence. that's humiliating to write.
ways the hubs can support me/things i need to hear: these were listed as two separate things, but they seem related to me. i don't really know how to answer. i'm still not comfortable letting someone support me in this. i'm not ok with appearing weak. in an ideal world, i guess the best things he could do would be to support eating a nourishing diet, engage in activity with me, tell me i'm beautiful while ignoring my eye-roll, and wanting to be healthy himself. as much i don't want it, maybe a check in here and there to see how things are in that department wouldn't be the worst thing. i need to hear about healthy lifestyles and positive things. i need to hear him accepting and loving his own body. i need to not feel like my body is an object to him. i want to be called out if i comment negatively about another's weight or appearance, even when i do it to myself.
i'm going to try this writing thing again. and i'm going to be as transparent as i can be.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
that time we got engaged...
september 19, 2014 was just another day. i was under the impression that my man, parents, brother, and psuedo-siblings were heading to the lake to celebrate my dad's birthday. that wasn't weird. like me, the lake is one of his favorite places in the world. it made total sense that we would celebrate his birthday there. my logistical brain was on full alert as i tried to plan everyone else's schedule in a way that made sense. that meant my man and me riding up with my parents on friday night and knowing that the others would join us in the morning. when talking to my mom though, she informed me that dad had a late meeting with his board chair and that they'd come up after that. i questioned the plan for the dogs and was told our longtime house-sitter would be staying with them. i told her to bring izzy because she'd be stressed at their house with remy and shelby. she agreed. mom went ahead and brought the groceries for the weekend to my house so that we could get them up there and get settled. being the planner that i am, i'd also gotten stuff for us for dinner on friday night.
on the drive up, everything seemed normal. i called mom and checked in on their plans, we stopped by food lion to pick up ice and beer for the weekend. we got to the house around 6. i immediately started doing what i always do, unpacking groceries, putting stuff out, and starting dinner. my man was pacing. and kept asking me to go outside on the porch with him. i kept pushing him off saying i had stuff that i needed to do and i'd be out there when i was done. i finally just started giving him jobs because he was hovering. :) after i finished getting the groceries put away, he again asked me to come outside because it was "so nice out." i looked at the oven and saw that our dinner only had 3 minutes left to cook and said no because i'd forget and burn dinner and that i'd go outside and sit after we ate. dinner was ready and salads plated and i made him sit down and eat with me. then i had to clean up from dinner (probably took all of five minutes) and he kept asking me to come outside. i said no, that i wasn't going to leave the kitchen a mess when my parents were coming up in a couple of hours and to let me finish.
when i finished the kitchen, i finally complied and walked outside and sat down in one of the rocking chairs overlooking the lake from our porch. apparently i sat down too quickly, though. he sat down beside me in another chair and i mentioned needing to call mom to ask her to bring up some citronella candles. he spotted one on the screened in porch and said he'd get that one and got up to do so. he came back after finding the lighter and set the lit candle down. but he didn't sit down. he was kinda pacing behind me and after a minute or two asked me to stand up. i did and walked back behind the chairs where he was standing and he hugged me and took my face in his hands and asked if i trusted him. i said 'yes, of course' and he said 'ok, then close your eyes.' i did and he asked if they were really closed (he knows me well and my need to know everything) and i responded a bit child-like by saying yes and squeezing my eyes tightly together. i thought i heard something, but wasn't sure and he told me to open my eyes. i did and there he was on his knee with a lovely ring. he asked me to marry him and i said are you serious?!?! and then yes!! this was followed by hugs and kisses and happy tears and phone calls with shaking hands to family and friends.
it was perfect. he proposed to me at my most favorite place in the world and he surprised me. (his goal). in 368 days, i will be his wife! so blessed!
we've chosen Romans 8:28 as our life verse for our marriage and family to be. please join us in praying over this verse for our marriage.
on the drive up, everything seemed normal. i called mom and checked in on their plans, we stopped by food lion to pick up ice and beer for the weekend. we got to the house around 6. i immediately started doing what i always do, unpacking groceries, putting stuff out, and starting dinner. my man was pacing. and kept asking me to go outside on the porch with him. i kept pushing him off saying i had stuff that i needed to do and i'd be out there when i was done. i finally just started giving him jobs because he was hovering. :) after i finished getting the groceries put away, he again asked me to come outside because it was "so nice out." i looked at the oven and saw that our dinner only had 3 minutes left to cook and said no because i'd forget and burn dinner and that i'd go outside and sit after we ate. dinner was ready and salads plated and i made him sit down and eat with me. then i had to clean up from dinner (probably took all of five minutes) and he kept asking me to come outside. i said no, that i wasn't going to leave the kitchen a mess when my parents were coming up in a couple of hours and to let me finish.
when i finished the kitchen, i finally complied and walked outside and sat down in one of the rocking chairs overlooking the lake from our porch. apparently i sat down too quickly, though. he sat down beside me in another chair and i mentioned needing to call mom to ask her to bring up some citronella candles. he spotted one on the screened in porch and said he'd get that one and got up to do so. he came back after finding the lighter and set the lit candle down. but he didn't sit down. he was kinda pacing behind me and after a minute or two asked me to stand up. i did and walked back behind the chairs where he was standing and he hugged me and took my face in his hands and asked if i trusted him. i said 'yes, of course' and he said 'ok, then close your eyes.' i did and he asked if they were really closed (he knows me well and my need to know everything) and i responded a bit child-like by saying yes and squeezing my eyes tightly together. i thought i heard something, but wasn't sure and he told me to open my eyes. i did and there he was on his knee with a lovely ring. he asked me to marry him and i said are you serious?!?! and then yes!! this was followed by hugs and kisses and happy tears and phone calls with shaking hands to family and friends.
it was perfect. he proposed to me at my most favorite place in the world and he surprised me. (his goal). in 368 days, i will be his wife! so blessed!
we've chosen Romans 8:28 as our life verse for our marriage and family to be. please join us in praying over this verse for our marriage.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
October is here...
this has always been my most favorite month of the year. i love the crispness of the mornings. the changing of the leaves. the sign that it is time for creation to rest a bit. and now the month of my wedding. october 4, 2015 i will marry the kindest, most thoughtful, handsomest man i've ever known. God is so faithful.
a year ago, i was in such a dark place. engaging in all kinds of self-destructive behaviors. withdrawn from everything and everyone. living a fake life. walking through life in a daze. hoping to get through the next minute without tears and despair and failure. something had to give in my life. my therapist, sarah, was fighting for me every way she knew how. showing me tough love and pushing me to confront my life. i am so grateful for her. for her servant's heart. for her love of our Savior. for her faith in His redemption. i had decided basically under duress to attend the intensive therapy weekend in november. to be honest, i did it to shut her up. my heart was 1/2 in it. thankfully, God took that 1/2 and made me more than whole. He showed me His grace, His freedom, His redemption. my life changed. i finally felt the God i'd wanted for so long. i gave into Him and His plans for me. everyday hasn't been perfect, but everyday has been redeemed and grace-filled and loved. He is so good all the time and all the time He is so good.
september 28 marked 2 years since i last purged. 2 years. wow. redemption is an amazing thing.
a year ago, i was in such a dark place. engaging in all kinds of self-destructive behaviors. withdrawn from everything and everyone. living a fake life. walking through life in a daze. hoping to get through the next minute without tears and despair and failure. something had to give in my life. my therapist, sarah, was fighting for me every way she knew how. showing me tough love and pushing me to confront my life. i am so grateful for her. for her servant's heart. for her love of our Savior. for her faith in His redemption. i had decided basically under duress to attend the intensive therapy weekend in november. to be honest, i did it to shut her up. my heart was 1/2 in it. thankfully, God took that 1/2 and made me more than whole. He showed me His grace, His freedom, His redemption. my life changed. i finally felt the God i'd wanted for so long. i gave into Him and His plans for me. everyday hasn't been perfect, but everyday has been redeemed and grace-filled and loved. He is so good all the time and all the time He is so good.
september 28 marked 2 years since i last purged. 2 years. wow. redemption is an amazing thing.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
that time i fell in love, part 3
may the 4th be with you. numerous facebook postings declared this clever phrase on may 4, 2014. well, there was some force with me on that day.
i knew i would go to ashley's annual cinco de mayo party. i also knew he'd be there. and that'd the day would be a bit interrupted because of AG's dedication and looking at houses. i chose my outfit that morning with all of these things in mind. the heat, being in church, him. a simple black linen dress and a baby blue sweater. there was no hope for cute hair on asummer spring day and so up in a ponytail it went. flip flops finished off the outfit. i wasn't too impressed with myself but it was what it was. i looked at a house down the street from ashley that day as well as a few others. none of them were "the house," (another post on that with pics soon) but i had some time to kill before i the dedication so i stopped on by ashley's.
i pull up just as he does. i take my time finding a spot to avoid any awkward run in and make my way inside a minute or so after him. i was immediately drawn to him. again. i wanted to talk to him. to flirt with him. he was aloof again, not rude, but didn't indulge me like i wanted. i only stayed for an hour or so and then headed to the dedication up the road. after it was over, i called ashley to see if they needed anything and she said ice. so i stopped and got two big bags and beer. i found a parking spot on the side road across from ashley's house when i got back. it was conveniently just a few yards up from his truck. hmmm, maybe he'd walk me to my car tonight. when i got back to ashley's, i texted him and asked for help with the ice and beer. to my dismay, he didn't respond. not a good sign, but i'd still have a good day, i was determined to do so. i managed to get all of my loot inside and teased him about not answering me. come to find out, the vibrate on his phone was broken and so he didn't see the text.
the rest of the afternoon was fun. stealing glances here and there. playing with the dogs. talking. making a point to sit in an empty seat beside him. darkness fell and it was time to head home. he had said goodbye and walked out before me. i wrangled the dogs and headed towards the front door when remy sprinted out, leash flailing behind her. that dog is a rocket and i took off after her with shelby. i was terrified. ashley's street is busy-ish but the street that her street is off of is a highway. remy has no concept of danger when she is outside. she just wants to run. i chased her up and down ashley's street hoping she'd stay away from the highway and trying to keep her in my line of sight. a nice young man pulled over and helped me chase her. i fell - running in flip flops isn't pretty. finally she was cornered and i grabbed her leash and started walking back towards my car. i have no idea how long this little chase ensued, it felt like forever, but as i was walking back i see him. he said he thought he heard me hollering for the damn dog just as he was getting into his truck and having seen her houdini skills a few times while working at my parents came back to help me catch her. he took her leash from me and walked with me back to my car. i opened the tailgate and got them in and he said goodbye again and started to walk away...
ok, i won't leave you hanging. this is where it gets really good. and that force i was talking about overcame me. i stood at my car door watching him walk away, looking at my door handle, watching him walk away, hoping he'd turn around or come back over. he was getting farther away and finally i managed to squeak out "hey." he stopped. turned. started walking back towards me and i to him. we met about halfway and he looked at me a little confused. i didn't know what to say, i only knew that i didn't want him to walk away like that. i said something about that's not the way to say goodbye and said i wanted a hug. he obliged me and then as we pulled back and looked at each other we kissed. i honestly don't know who went 90 and who went 10 (see Hitch for the reference), maybe it was 50/50. i like to think we were on the same page he was just gun-shy because of what happened after the last cinco de mayo. a few more kisses later and some whispered words about trying again and for real this time, he left. i turned and walked back to my car wondering if that really just happened.
well, four months later (tomorrow) i can tell you, i'm so blessed that it did.
i knew i would go to ashley's annual cinco de mayo party. i also knew he'd be there. and that'd the day would be a bit interrupted because of AG's dedication and looking at houses. i chose my outfit that morning with all of these things in mind. the heat, being in church, him. a simple black linen dress and a baby blue sweater. there was no hope for cute hair on a
i pull up just as he does. i take my time finding a spot to avoid any awkward run in and make my way inside a minute or so after him. i was immediately drawn to him. again. i wanted to talk to him. to flirt with him. he was aloof again, not rude, but didn't indulge me like i wanted. i only stayed for an hour or so and then headed to the dedication up the road. after it was over, i called ashley to see if they needed anything and she said ice. so i stopped and got two big bags and beer. i found a parking spot on the side road across from ashley's house when i got back. it was conveniently just a few yards up from his truck. hmmm, maybe he'd walk me to my car tonight. when i got back to ashley's, i texted him and asked for help with the ice and beer. to my dismay, he didn't respond. not a good sign, but i'd still have a good day, i was determined to do so. i managed to get all of my loot inside and teased him about not answering me. come to find out, the vibrate on his phone was broken and so he didn't see the text.
the rest of the afternoon was fun. stealing glances here and there. playing with the dogs. talking. making a point to sit in an empty seat beside him. darkness fell and it was time to head home. he had said goodbye and walked out before me. i wrangled the dogs and headed towards the front door when remy sprinted out, leash flailing behind her. that dog is a rocket and i took off after her with shelby. i was terrified. ashley's street is busy-ish but the street that her street is off of is a highway. remy has no concept of danger when she is outside. she just wants to run. i chased her up and down ashley's street hoping she'd stay away from the highway and trying to keep her in my line of sight. a nice young man pulled over and helped me chase her. i fell - running in flip flops isn't pretty. finally she was cornered and i grabbed her leash and started walking back towards my car. i have no idea how long this little chase ensued, it felt like forever, but as i was walking back i see him. he said he thought he heard me hollering for the damn dog just as he was getting into his truck and having seen her houdini skills a few times while working at my parents came back to help me catch her. he took her leash from me and walked with me back to my car. i opened the tailgate and got them in and he said goodbye again and started to walk away...
ok, i won't leave you hanging. this is where it gets really good. and that force i was talking about overcame me. i stood at my car door watching him walk away, looking at my door handle, watching him walk away, hoping he'd turn around or come back over. he was getting farther away and finally i managed to squeak out "hey." he stopped. turned. started walking back towards me and i to him. we met about halfway and he looked at me a little confused. i didn't know what to say, i only knew that i didn't want him to walk away like that. i said something about that's not the way to say goodbye and said i wanted a hug. he obliged me and then as we pulled back and looked at each other we kissed. i honestly don't know who went 90 and who went 10 (see Hitch for the reference), maybe it was 50/50. i like to think we were on the same page he was just gun-shy because of what happened after the last cinco de mayo. a few more kisses later and some whispered words about trying again and for real this time, he left. i turned and walked back to my car wondering if that really just happened.
well, four months later (tomorrow) i can tell you, i'm so blessed that it did.
that time i fell in love, part 2
so october rolled around. another football season alone. i was doing better, not great, but knew i still wasn't where i needed to be to even consider being in a relationship. thankfully, said mutual friend (she does have a name, it's ashley) and i got closer. enjoying wine nights with our pups and talking through life as a 30 something single surrounded by a world of marrieds and babies. one saturday she texted me and said she and some others were watching football at her house. she has a pretty sweet set up with a tv under her carport outside of a little barn. it was a beautiful day so i happily told her i'd be there. a few minutes later i got another text from her that he would be there. i was ok with that, but wanted to make sure he was. she was his close friend first and if he didn't want me around then i'd respect that. thankfully, she said he was fine with it (come to find out she didn't tell him until right before i got there, but he handled it well, i think she was still playing matchmaker). so i showed up. dog in tow, beer in hand. it was surprisingly not awkward. we didn't really talk alone, but had pleasant group conversations and i remembered how kind and cute he was and wished that i was great and not just better. but i wasn't and i was not going to be careless with his heart again, if he'd even have me back.
then i saw him again in november. most of you know that he and his brother have their own landscaping business. i decided that my house needed a pick me up so i texted and asked him if he'd come look at it and see what they could do. i didn't expect he and his brother to show up that saturday morning. and i was a little deflated that his brother was with him. shelby and i greeted them outside and she was so excited to see him. he kept the interaction strictly business and i respected that given what had happened in the summer.
his birthday is november 8. that was the weekend of my life changing retreat, but i wanted him to know i remembered, so before i "went dark" (ie no cell phone, computer, etc), i texted him that i was going to be out of pocket on the actual day, but i wanted to wish him a happy birthday. i didn't get his response until after the weekend was over because i turned my phone off.
ashley's parents had an iron bowl party since her two siblings went to auburn and she to alabama. family rivalry big time and such a fun day. i have to admit. i was nervous to see him this time. i had chopped my hair and was still fat, but i'd been on the retreat. i'd found redemption in the sweet, saving arms of Jesus and was a different person. still gun-shy, but redeemed and free from shame and hopelessness. much closer to great than i'd been just a month before, but still not there. he was somewhat aloof (later found out he was super nervous), but not rude. we sat next to each other and chatted a bit and carried on with the group, both of us cheering loudly against alabama. it was as easy and nice as i remembered. i left after the game was over because i had to get shelby from my parents. i didn't hear anything from him.
and then may 4, 2014 happened...
then i saw him again in november. most of you know that he and his brother have their own landscaping business. i decided that my house needed a pick me up so i texted and asked him if he'd come look at it and see what they could do. i didn't expect he and his brother to show up that saturday morning. and i was a little deflated that his brother was with him. shelby and i greeted them outside and she was so excited to see him. he kept the interaction strictly business and i respected that given what had happened in the summer.
his birthday is november 8. that was the weekend of my life changing retreat, but i wanted him to know i remembered, so before i "went dark" (ie no cell phone, computer, etc), i texted him that i was going to be out of pocket on the actual day, but i wanted to wish him a happy birthday. i didn't get his response until after the weekend was over because i turned my phone off.
ashley's parents had an iron bowl party since her two siblings went to auburn and she to alabama. family rivalry big time and such a fun day. i have to admit. i was nervous to see him this time. i had chopped my hair and was still fat, but i'd been on the retreat. i'd found redemption in the sweet, saving arms of Jesus and was a different person. still gun-shy, but redeemed and free from shame and hopelessness. much closer to great than i'd been just a month before, but still not there. he was somewhat aloof (later found out he was super nervous), but not rude. we sat next to each other and chatted a bit and carried on with the group, both of us cheering loudly against alabama. it was as easy and nice as i remembered. i left after the game was over because i had to get shelby from my parents. i didn't hear anything from him.
and then may 4, 2014 happened...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
that time i fell in love, part 1
whoa. wasn't sure i'd ever truly be able to write those words. in love. after blanton and the boy and the hell that ensued over the past 5 years, i honestly believed there was another path for my life. and i was pretty much ok with that.
and then he reappeared in my life.
you see, last year we "met" (i use quotes because we went to the same high school and middle school he was just the grade behind me, my dad coached his older brother in baseball, and our parents already knew each other) at a mutual friend's party. the same friend who had tried to set us up in december of 2012. but timing being what it was things did not pan out. thankfully, the night we were supposed to go out for the first time, i'd already cancelled because my mom wanted me to go to see my sue-sue with her. on the way home from doing that, my mom and i got into the biggest fight we've ever had. complete with tears and angry words and broken hearts. then the date was rescheduled as a more of a hangout after said mutual friend's annual girl's christmas ornament exchange. only i'd been sick that week. hated my body and had no desire to pretend to be ok, so i bailed after the girl part of the party and blamed it on being sick earlier that week. he texted and asked where i was and i told him, but i guess two cancelled dates were enough because he didn't reach back out. until may 5, 2013 and the mutual friend's annual cinco de mayo party. i thought i was in a better place and enjoyed the day with him talking easily, maybe even flirting a bit. then he walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. i wholeheartedly said yes, of course. the following sunday night we had our first date and it went well. it was easy, fun, comfortable and he was such a gentleman.
but i immediately started pulling back. getting scared. wondering why in the world someone as kind and thoughtful as him would want anything to do with me. not understanding why he'd want to date a fat, undesirable mistake ridden girl. so i did the logical thing, i closed up and pulled back and was horrible to him. i was selfish and thought only of guarding my heart and was careless with his. he, on the other hand, was the most thoughtful, old fashioned, understanding MAN i had ever met. it was like i was blind to him. i finally realized how terrible and unfair i was being and told him that i didn't need to be dating anyone at that time because i clearly couldn't handle it. he deserved so much more than the way i was acting. i hurt him and it sucked. for all i knew, i had just let go of the best thing in my life because i couldn't pull my shit together.
and then i saw him in october....
and then he reappeared in my life.
you see, last year we "met" (i use quotes because we went to the same high school and middle school he was just the grade behind me, my dad coached his older brother in baseball, and our parents already knew each other) at a mutual friend's party. the same friend who had tried to set us up in december of 2012. but timing being what it was things did not pan out. thankfully, the night we were supposed to go out for the first time, i'd already cancelled because my mom wanted me to go to see my sue-sue with her. on the way home from doing that, my mom and i got into the biggest fight we've ever had. complete with tears and angry words and broken hearts. then the date was rescheduled as a more of a hangout after said mutual friend's annual girl's christmas ornament exchange. only i'd been sick that week. hated my body and had no desire to pretend to be ok, so i bailed after the girl part of the party and blamed it on being sick earlier that week. he texted and asked where i was and i told him, but i guess two cancelled dates were enough because he didn't reach back out. until may 5, 2013 and the mutual friend's annual cinco de mayo party. i thought i was in a better place and enjoyed the day with him talking easily, maybe even flirting a bit. then he walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. i wholeheartedly said yes, of course. the following sunday night we had our first date and it went well. it was easy, fun, comfortable and he was such a gentleman.
but i immediately started pulling back. getting scared. wondering why in the world someone as kind and thoughtful as him would want anything to do with me. not understanding why he'd want to date a fat, undesirable mistake ridden girl. so i did the logical thing, i closed up and pulled back and was horrible to him. i was selfish and thought only of guarding my heart and was careless with his. he, on the other hand, was the most thoughtful, old fashioned, understanding MAN i had ever met. it was like i was blind to him. i finally realized how terrible and unfair i was being and told him that i didn't need to be dating anyone at that time because i clearly couldn't handle it. he deserved so much more than the way i was acting. i hurt him and it sucked. for all i knew, i had just let go of the best thing in my life because i couldn't pull my shit together.
and then i saw him in october....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)