this week

i've had a bit of a rough week. behavior-wise i've been ok, but i've had more moments than i like of squeezing my eyes shut to hold back tears. of squeezing my fists open and closed to feel something. of physically counting like a child 1,2, 3 to slow my brain and actions down long enough to think. the loneliness has crept in. i've had a busy week- volunteering at the nashville rescue mission on monday, keeping precious AG on tuesday, book club dinner on wednesday, and finally a night home on thursday. my house was a mess. i was tired. i need my eight hours, my body does not cooperate without it. so i was waking up nearly an hour later than usual because i was going to bed an hour later (yes, i like to go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5). weeks like these while so fun and full of experiences i wouldn't change for anything leave me vulnerable to behaviors. one of the things they teach you in recovery is to H.A.L.T. this means before you engage in a behavior you stop long enough to ask yourself: am i hungry? am i angry/anxious? am i lonely? am i tired? for me i add an S and ask am i sick? these are all triggers than can lead to acting out with behaviors.

i'm learning as i walk this road that punishing myself and shaming myself is the main reason my eating disorder still exists. i still get angry/shamed when i am hungry. i hate it. my knee-jerk reaction is that i have enough "stored energy" on my body that it doesn't need food.  so most times if i'm hungry, i'm pissed. and sometimes just one "bad" food can knock the whole day off. that almost happened twice this week. but thankfully, i was able to eat dinner even after making a snack choice that i wasn't thrilled about. why'd i snack in the first place? because of the last 2, lonely and tired. it's exhausting sometimes to put on the happy face of it's ok that i am alone. and yes, while i am choosing that right now, i think i am choosing it partially out of fear. it's pretty darn safe in my little bubble. no one can hurt me again because no one gets in. all of my closest friends are married. most have kids or are close to that point. i love this and i love those ladies and their babies, but i feel like i get lost in the shuffle a lot because i don't have a husband or boyfriend. with the exception of a few, i don't get invited over to people's homes to just hang out or for dinner like i would if i was 1/2 of a couple. i think this just makes me realize one of biggest fears and that's being forgotten. not being important enough for someone to remember. for someone to check in on. for someone to celebrate. i don't mean any of this as a shot against my friends. they are amazing people. it's just part of dealing with this season of my life. with being ok, with knowing that no matter how i feel in the moment, i am NEVER alone.

song

“By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life.”

-Psalm 42:8

i borrowed this verse from Ellie and her post about why she wrote the song "night song." i have to confess, i do not memorize scripture like i would like to. like i know i can. it's easy to take advantage of the fact that i can google any verse i want at pretty much any time i want, but knowing the words on my own and having them just "pop" into my head when i need them most is something i so treasure about memorizing verses. 

if you know me, you know i love music. i related to the words of a song so easily. sometimes that's all i need to change my mood. sometimes a certain song can trigger bad junk. (thankfully, i've learned what most of those are and when they come up on the ole iPhone, i quickly skip to the next song) point being that music is a great way to help me memorize scripture and that's why i am obsessed with ellie's music. she starts with the simple loving message of our Father and puts it to music. 

i can't tell you how many times when i am struggling songs come to mind. or how often i find myself frantically skipping through my iPhone looking for the perfect song to give me peace in the moment. God truly speaks to me through music. He calms my soul with His words put to the gift of music by some pretty amazing people. 

on being "alone"

sorry i've been MIA. i've been posting in my head but hadn't taken the time to stop and sit and write. this topic is one that has been brewing for awhile. i'm blessed to know people in all stages of life- single, divorced, married, kids, no kids, mid-twenties, late 30s, and even 50s. it's interesting to me to think about how different the word "alone" means to each group. i guess before i start making assumptions for others i should tell y'all what being "alone" means to me.

in college and law school being alone meant i wasn't good enough, smart enough, skinny enough to be worthy of a boyfriend. it meant days and nights of bad decisions as i desperately tried to push away the loneliness. if i was alone then i might actually have to deal with myself. i might actually have to examine myself, my soul, my heart. and nothing seemed more terrifying than that. so i learned how to numb out with "relationships," with binging and purging, with staying busy, with TV, with anything that had noise. being alone was the worst possible thing because all i thought it meant was that i wasn't good enough for someone to love. i wasn't able to look at being alone as something different than loneliness. to me, loneliness is what you choose to feel and wallow in. it's the feeling you have in room full of people as you stand in the corner. it's the way your heart aches when you try to force love at the expense of yourself just because it's better than being alone. it's the result of inaction and bad choices and not knowing yourself. it's the result of numbing out.

"alone" is something totally different. alone is a an active choice. and it can be a positive or negative one. i wish i could rewind 5 years after breaking up with the boy (we'll go back to the old nicknames) and appreciate the time alone to figure out who i was and what i really wanted. instead i feared loneliness and jumped head first into the most destructive relationship of my life. i used to call him reagan, but that seems an insult to our late president, so how about blanton. anyway, the fear of being alone and not choosing that only leads to loneliness and satan has such a good time torturing us with loneliness. and bringing in every insecurity we have pushing us farther and farther down. it did a number on me.

i can now say that i am choosing to be alone. not lonely, but alone. i am actively choosing not to date and to take time to learn myself. to learn the true love of my Savior. to wait for the man who loves Christ and finds me through that love. do moments of loneliness, doubt, hurt still creep in? of course, satan is a crafty m-fer. but what i finally know and believe to be true is that i am NEVER alone. the Father is always with me. the Holy Spirit in me.

the mean girl

we all know them, right? we've all, regrettably, been one at some time or another. but you hope that ends in high school or maybe after sorority life. but it doesn't. even at 31 i have to deal with the mean girl. the one who thinks everything she says is funny or sarcastic and that it's ok because she's "just joking." the one that it's easier to appease than fight because she never changes. the one that if you call her out you know that will just lead to more back-stabbing, gossiping crap. but that doesn't mean her words don't hurt. it doesn't mean her words can't trigger. it doesn't mean her words don't embarrass you. yes, i know this is her deal. her hateful words have more to do with her than with me, but it still hurts. whoever came up with the adage "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" didn't know what they were talking about.

words are so powerful. and can be used to lift people high or rip them down, even just as a "joke." because let's face it, usually "just joking" just means you think you can say something mean and get away with it. 9 times out of 10 you have no idea what the person you are making a flippant comment about is going through. you have no idea that getting out of bed was an accomplishment for her that morning. or that smiling through tears is a normal occurrence. or that the night before his heart was broken. or that she is in recovery from an eating disorder.

a flippant remark today by a mean girl has me nearly in tears. and it took all i had to eat my lunch in front of people, thankfully, she made her jab and disappeared to her office, but others were there. they heard it. did she mean to be cruel? probably not. did she even think about what she said? probably not. would common sense tell you that the comment was, at best, pointless? one would hope. you'd think that seeing someone on pretty much a weekly basis for 5 plus years and watching a transformation in their body would lend you to think that maybe there's something going on there. maybe commenting on what she is eating or not eating or usually eats isn't the best idea. or most helpful. or kind. or compassionate. or any of your damn business.

it was a stupid and untrue comment (that i don't eat anything that's not covered in chicken and cheese and she's never seen me eat steamed veggies), but it has wrecked my day. i am trying so hard to fight the voices in my head that tell me i'm unhealthy, i'm fat, i'm unworthy and that all that is determined by what is or isn't on my plate, IT IS SO HARD. i'm fighting back tears but i'm here. i'm writing. i ate my balanced lunch. i'm not going to binge or purge and i'll even eat dinner, hopefully. pandora on my casting crowns station helps. saying over and over again over the voices that I AM WORTHY simply because of Christ helps. He and He alone make me ok. makes me beautiful. i am so grateful to have been captured by that love. 5 months ago today would not have been pretty.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." Psalm 139:13-15

thank you, Jesus.